I’ve seen this countless times when it comes to persistence with women.
Guy tries asking a girl out once and then fails to get her out.
“I don’t got time for this crap.”
There’s a school of thought in one part of the pickup community that teaches guys to just prematurely throw out perfectly good leads because the girl didn’t go out with them right when they asked her to.
But I believe that by throwing out good leads prematurely like this ruins a lot of potential dating and relationship opportunities with girls you could have otherwise gotten together with.
I remember about 2 years or so when I first met my girlfriend online on VietnamCupid.
At that time, I could barely string together a sentence in Vietnamese, let alone speak it.
Needless to say, all I got was silence from her.
Fast forward 6+ months later and I happened to stumble upon her profile yet again.
But unlike our previous encounter, this time I had put in the work and spend the last 6 or so months brushing up on my Vietnamese and could finally start showing some personality in my messages.
I decided to persist and try my luck again.
Needless to say, This time around I got her on a date and the rest was history.
If I had taken it personally and let my ego run amok, I would have thrown out a perfectly good relationship down the dumpster.
Here’s another instance where my persistence paid off.
I met a Vietnamese girl off of Tinder and we seemed to hit it off, but then after several exchanges, she just went cold on me and stopped replying.
Had I thrown a hissyfit and then deleted her off of my phone, that would have been the end of that, but I left her on my phone.
About a month later I got a reply from her and then immediately tried to get her off of the app into something else like Zalo.
She had told me that she deleted the app because she didn’t like it but then remembered me so she reinstalled it.
4-5 dates later, we became lovers.
I’ve had more than a handful of girls despite going cold on me initially turn around and then contact me later and I’ve even managed to bed a good chunk of them in the process.
If you’re feeding your ego, then you’re giving up perfectly good leads that otherwise would have been more than happy to get together with you if you had just tried again at another point in time.
Giving up Too Early
I’ve been guilty of this a few times in the past with girls that liked me.
I remember one girl wanted to test and see how confident I was by putting resistance in to see whether or not I would persist.
I recall her telling me one time that I had given up so quickly and should have persisted more.
At that time I didn’t know any better and therefore just gave up whenever a girl put up a little resistance such as declining a date or making up some lame excuse as to why she can’t date guys in her class.
I have a friend here in Vietnam that also tends to give up very quickly.
He would always delete and block girls immediately if he is unable to escalate things with a girl such as having her come over to his place on the first date.
I have tried to persuade him numerous times to change his ways as he is throwing perfectly good leads in the trash but he just won’t listen to me and as a result, he’s only getting a much smaller percentage of the girls he would have otherwise have gotten with if he had just been a little more patient.
I have also personally witnessed more than a fair share of foreign men that get angry and upset if things don’t go their way right from the get-go.
They just want it to be easy and as soon as they need to put in a little effort into dating, they say screw this, I hate this country.
All of these guys look at the girl putting up resistance as if it’s something a girl does on purpose to spite the guy and make them angry, but they don’t consider that it’s not always about them.
Sometimes things pop up in life and sidetrack a woman’s plans like in my previous example with the Tinder girl.
Sometimes girls test you and see what you’re made of.
They might like you but still want to test you to see if your the real deal or a fake because of the large number of guys lying to them and putting on a fake persona.
And if you’ve spent any time down here in Vietnam for a while then you’ll know a lot of men BS all the time and put up a fake front in order to get into a woman’s pants.
As a result of this, some women test men.
If you act like an angry spoiled child that throws a temper tantrum every time you don’t get what you want, then you failed her test.
In addition to testing you, sometimes girls reject your initial advance because they do not want to appear too easy, as their reputation is on the line.
Here’s an example of a test a girl might throw you.
After having a wonderful evening with a girl that clearly likes you because of all the signals she’s been giving off (holding onto your arm, getting into your personal space, sharing a drink with you , etc.) you try to go in for a kiss but she turns her head away and gives you the cheek instead while having a grin on her face.
Are you going to pout and get angry at her and start calling her a bunch of names?
If you do, you just failed her test.
What you do instead is you try again later at another time when she’s more comfortable with you.
I’ve had women tell me previously that they don’t kiss guys on the first date no matter what, even if they like them.
Now if you’re the type of guy with a fragile ego, you might interpret this as her playing games and wasting your time and so you tell her off and then delete her number.
But if on the other hand, you just kept being persistent and being patient, you would have gotten with her at another time.
Remember, one night stands are rare here in Vietnam unless she’s the ultra-liberal type of girl that’s sleeping with half of the expat community over here.
Chasing Vs Persistence
Now that we know that persistence is key in courtship and needs to be utilized sometimes depending on the situation, I want to make a distinction between chasing vs persistence since a lot of guys seem to confuse the two.
Chasing is going after a girl relentlessly despite her clear cut signals that she ain’t interested in you.
Things like continuing to call or text her every day despite her not replying back to your initial message, constantly asking her out despite her telling you overtly that she ain’t interested in you or even worse begging her for a chance 🤦♂️ are all signs that you’re chasing her.
When a girl has to tell you directly and in a serious tone that she ain’t interested in you, you know you screwed up the seduction and courtship.
In these cases, you need to cut your losses and move on.
Now persistence, on the other hand, is trying again to court a girl despite some obstacles being in your way but without her telling you she ain’t interested in you.
Say for, example you had a date tonight but then she canceled last minute due to some personal issues.
You take a step back, tell her it’s no big deal and that you guys will do it again some other time.
Then in a week or two or whatever, you contact her again and try to schedule another date.
If that doesn’t work, you put her on the backburner again and then try one more time a few months later.
More often than not, if she’s interested in you, she will reach back out before you even have a chance to contact her again and then try to schedule a date with you.
Now of course if you observe consistent flakey behavior than the girl should be dropped.
You should know when to cut your losses and move on.
Another example could be that you try to hold her hand on the first date but she brushes your hand aside.
Rather than getting all angry and then start cursing at her and telling her that she’s wasting your time by playing games, you just smile at her, take a step back and give her space.
Later in the night, you try again, looking for subtle cues she might give you along the way.
So what is the difference between the two?
Persistence is when she might put up obstacles along the way but is still showing you signs of interest, whereas chasing is when she’s clearly shown you she’s not into you but you keep on chasing her regardless.
Chasing is bad, persistence is good.
Knowing When to Back Away Is Key
I think this area is where a lot of men make mistakes.
A lot of men cannot tell when to persist vs when to back off and let the girl come to you.
Take for example you are at a bar and you hit on a girl and things seem to be going well.
Rather than either escalating things with her by asking her to move somewhere else with you say for example outside the bar or grabbing her number and leaving her alone with her friends, most guys become clingy and needy and just linger there until things get awkward and weird.
Suddenly that charming guy she just met becomes the creep that just won’t leave her alone.
The same thing happens when it comes to online dating.
Guys have a great conversation with her one day and things end well but then the next day they start messaging her nonstop until the spark is completely gone and they become a needy clingy creep that kills her attraction for them.
Here’s a good way to know when you should back away.
As soon as you start getting that gut feeling like it’s getting awkward and that you should let her be, it’s usually a signal for you to back away.
Now a word of warning though:
When it comes to physical persistence you need to be very careful in how you conduct yourself. If she is clearly uncomfortable and she gives you a firm NO then you need to stop and back away and give her some space. Do not continue trying to plow through her resistance in those cases as this can lead to some serious legal consequences. There’s a big difference between a girl that turns her head away while grinning and still has her arms wrapped around your arms vs a girl that pushes you off and then immediately distances herself from you and looks uncomfortable. If you can’t tell the difference between the two then you probably shouldn’t persist physically with any girl at all. Anytime a girl tells you NO, you need to stop!
Signs of Low Interest
Now while so far I’ve been talking about persisting with girls that are into you, there are times when you should just throw in the towel and that’s when you’re dealing with a female with low interest.
These girls are usually a waste of your time unless of course you want to challenge yourself.
Rather than waste hours, days, weeks, or months chasing after a girl with very low interest in you, your time would be better put to use going after girls that have either high interest or medium interest in you.
Some guys will still try to plow through despite a girl not showing a single sign of interest in them and thereby becoming not only a huge timesink but also a creep in the process.
Here are a few good ways to tell when a Vietnamese woman is not into you:
- She gives you one-word answers
- She never asks you anything back
- She takes forever to reply back
- She’s being wishy-washy with her answers
- She’s always cancelling dates
These are social cues she’s giving you that she’s just not interested in you.
Yeah, I know it sucks that they gave you their number or wasted your time but it’s a part of the game and rather than waste anymore mental energy on them, why not use that energy instead to get new leads that are in fact interested in you?
Nowadays I sometimes test out a girl’s interest if I sense she isn’t fully invested into the conversation by asking her a personal question such as her name and then seeing whether or not she reciprocates the act.
If she just responds with her name for example “Thúy” then I just stop messaging her altogether until she initiates the conversation again.
In cases like these, you need to respect her boundaries and just let her go because she’s clearly telling you either directly or through her actions that she’s not interested in you.
Girls that like you make it very easy for the two of you to get together, girls that don’t, will make it extremely difficult.
Putting Her on the Backburner
Let’s say you tried to ask her out but for whatever reason, she canceled the date or politely declines the offer by telling you she’s busy or whatnot, what do you do in those cases?
You can tell her that it’s no problem and to contact you again later when she becomes available or you can wait a few weeks or months and then try again.
I found more often than not, if I just leave her alone, usually a few weeks or months would pass by and then one day they would reach out to me and see how I’m doing.
This is when you strike.
A girl that isn’t interested in you at all wouldn’t even bother texting you back but I girl that’s at least mildly into you would.
Don’t Just Focus on Her
Always have options at any given time.
You don’t want to fall into the trap of developing oneitis, whereby you convince yourself that you must have a specific girl no matter what.
Not only is this an unhealthy obsession with a particular girl but it also kills any chance of you ever getting that girl.
Until you and her are in an exclusive relationship, always be pursuing multiple women at the same time.
If girl A cancels, no problem, I’ll just call girl B, and if girl B is not available, well I still got girl C.
I always make sure that I have at least half a dozen phone numbers with me that I could call and get out at any time.
Never put all of your eggs in one basket!
In this article we discussed why giving up too early and not persisting is a bad idea.
You are wasting a tonne of potentially good prospects that otherwise you could have gotten further with if you had just been a little more patient.
Dating is not a sprint but a marathon.
Some girls with very high-interest levels will make things super easy for you while girls with a medium level of interest will require some work, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make things happen with them either.
Most high-quality girls will most likely require a bit of persistence in over to overcome the obstacles that she has laid out to test you and see if you’re deserving of her as a companion.
By throwing in the towel prematurely, you’ve failed her test but more importantly, you’ve left both parties feeling disappointed in what could have been if you had just persisted a little longer.
Instead, you should rise to the occasion and accept her challenge and persist.