You know back when I was first starting out in dating, I didn’t care too much about a woman’s characteristics nor her lifestyle, I focused strictly on her looks, as do most guys out there.
It didn’t matter whether or not she had a shitty personality or if she was a party girl.
Just as long as she was attractive to me then that was enough for me.
But over the years, my mindset has shifted as I’ve gained more experience with women and been more critical in examining other people’s relationships such as my friend’s and family’s relationship dynamics.
Nowadays, in addition to a woman’s looks, I also pay a lot of attention, probably even more so on her character and lifestyle.
You see, it doesn’t really matter how beautiful she is on the outside if her character and lifestyle is crap on the inside.
Let me explain further.
A Tell of The Two Nhi’s
I have two Vietnamese friends, with the exact same name called Nhi.
But that’s where the similarities stop.
The first Nhi who I’m going to refer to as Nhi #1 going forward is a young, tall, cute, and conservative girl that I first met on a language exchange site a few years back.
When I first met her, I don’t recall practicing much English with her. Instead most of the time, our conversations were in Vietnamese and she often times corrected a lot of the mistakes that I was making.
I recall one time having a conversation with her regarding dresses and someone’s appearance and her making a remark that she never dresses in a vulgar manner, meaning not overly sexy outfits or dresses showing off too much skin eg. mini skirts which I found quite interesting.
She was very sweet and often times assisted me in various matters such as with Vietnamese or even giving me a helping hand in social media marketing.
There was a period of time when I needed some assistance with launching a new social media account and picking out a name and she was quick to assist me.
In addition, I often times see her commenting on my social media accounts and liking my posts.
She even told me that she would love to take me out to coffee someday if I was ever in her neighborhood.
Shortly after meeting Nhi #1, I got the chance to meet Nhi #2, also on the same language exchange site that I use for maintaining my Vietnamese.
Now unlike Nhi #1’s sweet and giving nature, Nhi #2 is quite the opposite, even down to the way they dress.
Whereas Nhi #1 prefers more conservative outfits that hide more of her skin, Nhi #2 prefers clothes that show a bit more skin including wearing summer dresses or even outfits that are sure to catch a guy’s attention, if you know what I mean.
I recall several instances where I had a conversation with Nhi #2 that was almost entirely focused on someone’s appearance or how many guys had tried to court Nhi #2.
But the most interesting thing that I noticed about Nhi #2 was her choice of words and how she framed our interactions.
She often times would say things like:
- Can you help teach me English?
- You’re Vietnamese is already good, let’s just practice in English instead
- Could we practice at this hour instead?
Even her profile on the language exchange website read something like “hey I’m looking for someone to teach me English, please send me a message if you would like to help me”.
Most of the words out of her mouth I noticed involved “me or I” and it seemed to be a very one-sided type of friendship with her where she would look for benefits or see how I could give value to her.
True be told, I don’t actually recall her helping me much with Vietnamese nor have I ever seen her comment or like any of my social media posts nor helping me out with much of anything at all.
Now why am I telling you this story?
I’m trying to highlight the differences in the reciprocity style of the two Nhi’s.
Reciprocity Style in a Relationship
In relationships, we have something called a reciprocity style, meaning how we approach our relationships and interactions with people.
There are 3 different reciprocity styles in a relationship:
People who have a reciprocity style of a taker, usually are pretty self-centered and selfish.
They only care about their own needs and never try to provide value back to you.
They just keep on taking value and then try to take some more if they can get away with it.
Think about those co-workers or friends that you have that always come to you and ask you for help or favors when they need something from you but then suddenly vanish when you need their help with something or they make excuses why they can’t help you back.
Yup, you’re dealing with a taker.
The motto with a taker is “What’s in it for me?“
Signs She’s a Taker
Here are some signs that you’re dealing with a taker:
- They are selfish and self-centered
- They always look for benefits in their interactions with you
- They tend to use the words “can you help me do… or “I”
- Can be narcissistic
- Doesn’t reciprocate value back
Now unlike the taker, the giver does the opposite. They are always looking for a way to give value to you, whether that be helping you with something, or doing something for you unsolicited such as cooking you dinner, bringing you a gift, or helping you with the chores around the house.
They are very generous with their time.
But it goes beyond that, they are supportive of you in whatever endeavors you may choose to pursue and can help lift up your spirits when you’re down.
Based on my experience, girls that fall under this category make the best girlfriends or wives as they tend to put the needs of you and the family ahead of their own needs.
You just need to from time to time show them that you appreciate what they have done for you.
Signs of a Giver
Here are some signs that she’s a giver in a relationship:
- She’s always willing and ready to give you a helping hand
- They do things for you without you even asking them to
- They are always supportive of you
The matcher is the third reciprocity style and is a combination of the two. With a matcher, they tend to find a balance between giving and taking in their interactions with people. Sometimes, they might ask you for a favor, but then they will return it later on it.
Sometimes if you’re asking them for too much value, they will shut down your requests or they will expect you to return the favor later on.
Basically, a matcher tries to match how much value you give them, and if you take without giving back, they will oftentimes feel an injustice by being taken advantage of.
I believe I fall under this category. If I ask someone for help, I tend to feel a little guilty about it and want to return the favor and I’m selective about who or how much help I will give someone. If someone is asking me for favors all the time yet not reciprocating the value back, I usually ghost them.
Don’t Date a Taker!
I’ve run across my fair share of takers, in fact, recently I had to drop a business associate because she was a huge value leech, that kept on asking for favors and requests to the point where it really got under my skin yet providing zero value back. I actually remember her saying at one point that she wasn’ going to get any benefit if she helped me with so and so task despite me already having done her 2 favors already. In her mind, reciprocity did not exist and all I could hear was “me me me!” so I ghosted her.
I recall several years back, I stumbled across a single mom on a dating site who also was a value taker.
During my interactions with her, she wanted to find out what my occupation was and how I could help her.
When you hear things like this, it should be a huge red flag for you.
But unfortunately, most guys don’t pay any attention to a woman’s character and instead just focus on her looks or if they are the desperate types, then any woman will do, just as long as the guy isn’t alone.
They then end up in a one-sided relationship with a taker who leaves them feeling miserable and unappreciated while constantly being taken advantage of by their partner.
That is why you need to screen your partner and look for signs of whether or not she’s a taker or a given or a matcher.
If you come across a girl that starts looking for ways that you can provide value to her soon after meeting her, despite her having never helped you with anything, then be careful.
Pay extra attention to the words coming out of her mouth.
“Can you help me…/do so and so for me…”
“What benefit do I get out of this?”
These are some examples of things you might hear from her.
And as soon as you come across a taker, you should immediately drop them and walk away permanently!
Takers and givers are like polar opposites to each other when it comes to relationship dynamics.
If you pick the right girl, you’ll have a wonderfully stable, and loving relationship but if you pick the wrong one, she’ll make your life a living hell, causing you mental anguish and daily stress for you.
And for you’re own good, I hope you don’t pick a taker!