What is Vietnamese dating culture like? A lot of men are completely clueless when it comes to this matter, including myself at one point. Things like traditional gender roles, no public displays of affection, commitment, and family are hugely important aspects that comprise Vietnamese dating culture here.
I remember one time I was out having a beer with one of my friends here in Ho Chi Minh City a few months back. My friend was telling me about a date that he had with a Vietnamese girl. He managed to pull her to his place and he was pretty sure that he was going to get laid that night. Except, his date had other ideas. When he tried to escalate things, his date gave him an astronomical amount of LMR that later cultivated in her leaving his place and never contacting him again. He was pissed!
Oh why did she come over here then if we weren’t going to have sex? He pouted. His face was red and I could see the veins popping out the sides of his temple.
After a few more dates with other girls that ended the same way for him, he swore off dating them… at least for a while until he found himself a more eager one looking to get down to business.
I also had my own set of problems adapting to the local Vietnamese dating culture here. One of the girls that I was seeing was getting upset with me by my lack of non-neediness with her. She said I didn’t care about her because I didn’t send her daily messages asking how was her day or what did she have to eat. I found that absurd and annoying. Yet, for girls here, that is considered regular behavior by the men here.
A lot of men get frustrated and angry when they start dating Vietnamese girls because what is considered the norm over in the west is completely different here. That’s why I wrote today’s post to answer the question: What is Vietnamese dating culture like? These are the things that encompass Vietnamese dating culture:
- Traditional gender roles
- Guys have to make the first move
- Guys pay on dates
- No public displays of affection
- Your in a relationship soon after dating
- Girls often still live with their parents
- Family is important to them
- No sex on the first date
- Serious relationships that lead to marriage
- Being clingy and needy is completely fine and expected
- Daily communication is expected
Traditional Gender Roles
Vietnam is still a patriarchal society where the man is expected to be in charge of the family and be the breadwinner. Traditional gender roles are still embraced here. Men are expected to work and support the family while the women are expected to pop out babies, raise them, and tend to the family and household.
As a man, you’re expected to show leadership qualities and lead.
Don’t wait for the girl to ask you out
Don’t ask her where to go on your dates
Since you got a penis, your expected to initiate and lead for everything including asking her on dates, deciding where to go, leading in the bedroom, etc.
If your from the west, this concept might fathom you and appear foreign as most men no longer possess a set of balls and instead rely on the female to make all the decisions.
Ever hear the term whipped?
If you want to sit back and let the women do all of the leading then great, go date a western women. She will do all of the leading for you while you act like a dog on a lease listening to her beck and call at you.
Failing to lead your girl here in Vietnam will cause her to lose respect for you and eventually leave you for someone else with a set of balls. Don’t let that happen, LEAD!
Who Makes the First Move?
As a man dating in Vietnamese culture, your expected to man up and ask a girl out in Vietnam, just like in most countries around the world, even in North America. Despite how western women claim to be independent and want equality, when it comes to dating, they still expect the man to make the first move and ask them out.
You didn’t think you’d get off that easy did you?
With this being said however, Vietnamese girls will usually give off hints that they are interested in you even before you open your mouth. If you watch for the classic signs of interests from the girl, then rejection should be kept to a minimal.
Who Pays on Dates?
Since your dating under a conservative traditional society, your expected to pay on dates most of the time, especially on the first date.
If you want to be a cheap ass then fine, just play with your hand while your staying in Vietnam. But if your looking to get anywhere with the local girls then your gonna have to spend some money on dates. This does not mean that you need to take her to 5 star restaurants, or rooftop bars, buying her overpriced beer for 200k a bottle. That’s silly and will attract gold diggers like moths to a fire.
What it does mean however is that your expected to pay the bill where ever your taking her on the date.
Being able to pay for your date shows her that your financially stable and if you guys were to start a family together, their will be no hiccups when it comes to supporting the family.
Public Displays of Affection
Pubic displays of affection like kissing are a big NO NO!
In Vietnamese culture, it is frowned upon to have lots of public displays of affection. At the upper limit, you have hand holding and perhaps hugging when strangers are not around but that’s it. Maybe you could sneak in a kiss while sitting at some unlit bench at a park outside in the evening when no one’s around but for the most part, you will rarely see public displays of affection here in Vietnam.
This may seem strange for you coming from the west, but in Vietnam it is the norm.
In fact, for some couples, the guy may never even make a move on the girl until they are married and it would be considered completely normal for the girl. One girl that I was dating, told me her ex-boyfriend of 6 months never even held her hand or attempted to try and kiss her.
Think about that for a second the next time your trying to shove your tongue down your dates mouth while seated outside a busy street with many onlookers.
Better save it for a more private place.
Most Vietnamese girls date with the intention of the relationship becoming serious and not just a quick fling. There are a small number of girls that are into that, however the majority of girls expect the relationship to be serious and monogamous. You will quickly find yourself in hot water if you mention that your not looking to settle down with her shortly after consummating with her.
Unlike in the west, casual dating is completely unheard of for most people here in Vietnam. Be careful of expectations on the onset otherwise expect a lot of drama later on.
For me, I prefer to date casually for a while before making a decision. I mean how would you know whether or not the first girl your dating is the perfect girl for you if she’s the only girl you’ve dated here in Vietnam? Unfortunately, the girls don’t see it this way. Once you’ve gotten with her, your ass is hers!
Still Living at Home
Most Vietnamese girls still live with their family. This means that they have curfews and cannot sleep over unlike girls in the west. A lot of girls will remain still living with their parents until they are married off.
When dating be mindful of when she needs to be back home and plan accordingly, otherwise your gonna end up in a situation where your trying to escalate on the girl while she’s at your place, only for her to tell you she has to go home in 5 minutes otherwise her parents are gonna yell at her.
Family Is King
In Confucianism, family reigns supreme. This is why Vietnamese girls are all family-oriented unless she comes from a messed up family. Despite all this independent feminist crap that is being spewed from the west, most Vietnamese girls see their purpose in life as raising and tending to the family. This is especially true for girls from the countryside.
Even those managerial girls you see working in offices, dream of starting a family one day once they are settled into their careers.
Ever hear the term “you don’t just marry the girl, you marry her family too”?
That’s exactly what happens once you get hitched with a Vietnamese girl. Expect her family to come over to your place often or maybe even move in and live under the same roof as you one day.
No Sex on the First Date!
One night stands are uncommon here in Vietnam, although they can happen too if you meet the right girl and your game is tight.
Instead, expect to take the girl out on multiple dates that can last from a few weeks to maybe even years if you let it.
On average it takes me between 4-5 dates to close a girl and even then, last minute resistance (LMR) is very high. It’s not uncommon for me to have to plow through 2-4 hours of LMR before I hit the home run. It’s not that they don’t want it, its that they are afraid of being judged as being a slut.
My girlfriend told me that the first time that we had sex, she wanted to have sex with me but wanted to wait longer because she was afraid of being judged as being easy and cheap.
If your looking to score with the ladies here, I’m afraid that your gonna have to slow things down a bit compared to the west. You can’t go guns blazing in otherwise your gonna scare the girl off. This all goes back to them looking for serious relationships.
Dating with Intention of Getting Married
This ties back with the earlier point that I mentioned about Vietnamese girls wanting serious monogamous relationships.
Most girls expect dating to last long term and progress to marriage one day. It doesn’t matter when it happens, just as long as it does happen, otherwise expect trouble down the road.
Needy and Clingy Behavior Is Completely Acceptable
Unlike in the west where if you just show even an ounce of being needy or clingy, the girl will run for the hills, here being needy and clingy is considered normal by local dating standards.
Expect the girl to want to know what your doing every hour.
You will often receive text messages that lead to nowhere asking you “What are you doing now?” or “Did you eat dinner yet?”. Its their way of showing that they care about you and they expect you to do the same. In fact, if you don’t reciprocate this behavior, expect them to get angry at you and accuse you of not caring about them.
Don’t expect this behavior to let up once your married. My aunt still calls my uncle every day when she is at work, asking him these same questions.
Daily Communication Is Expected
Once you get involved with a Vietnamese girl, expect her to communicate with you daily through either video, voice, or text messaging.
If you don’t do it, expect her to start becoming bitchy and naggy. They will say things like you don’t care about them or accuse you of being with another girl.
Also when they communicate with you, its a sneaky way for them to check up on you and make sure your not on a date with another girl. I had this happen to me several times already. Just know what you’ve signed up for when dating a Vietnamese girl.
What It’s Not
Don’t be one of those tools that thinks its completely normal to be giving your girlfriend monthly allowances to help her out. She’s gonna think your a sucker. Normal Vietnamese girls simply do not do that. This is why you need to screen the girls your dating properly.
Pick one that is educated and has a decent job or is attending university. Don’t get out gamed by some country chick living in the boonies with her secret boyfriend and family plotting to use you for everything you’ve got.
I know there are a few dating materials out there that say your expected to give money to your girlfriend because your showing her that you can provide for her. This is simply bullshit and the author that wrote that is probably a gold digger herself that is perpetuating this myth.
I am currently in a long term relationship with a girl and she has never once asked for a cent from me, neither has any of my previous girlfriends. Don’t believe this lie created by brainless guys and evil conniving gold digging girls.
In a normal Vietnamese relationship you aren’t expected to buy your girlfriend anything. If the girl that your dating starts asking you to buy her the latest iPhone or Hermes handbag then your dating the wrong women.
Also watch out for girls that fall in love with you suddenly after the first date. This is simply not reality when it comes to dating for Vietnamese couples. Some girls may even take it a step further and ask for marriage soon after dating. I’ve experienced it before, and so has countless other men. She doesn’t love you, just your passport.
When different cultures collide, chaos can often ensue, but it doesn’t always have to. You now have at your finger tips new knowledge about Vietnamese dating cultural that could make or break a relationship.
Having a deep understanding of her culture demonstrates respect and devotion towards her while at the same time providing you with a headache free love life.
DaveFebruary 13, 2021 at 6:06 pm
This is not only well-written, but explains a LOT. I dated an educated VN -American woman (she emigrated for college and stayed) here in the US for a bit and found that everything listed up in the Backstory was true. The part about “being clingy and needy is completely fine and expected” became an issue of contention until I adjusted to it.
I wish I had looked for this article we started dating. It would have saved a lot of aggravation on both parts.
Viet Kieu DatingFebruary 13, 2021 at 8:54 pm
Thanks for the feedback Dave!